SALT LAKE CITY — The call to the permanent diaconate often begins with a quiet prompt from God, but a married man cannot receive these holy orders without the explicit, written consent of his wife. As the deacons and their wives who undertake it will attest, this five-year journey of formation fundamentally reshapes a couple's marriage. The deacon candidates’ wives are invited and encouraged to attend the formation classes; they also are expected to assist their husbands in the ministry where possible.
To understand this calling, three deacons' wives from the diocese recently shared their experiences: Nancy Tosti, whose husband, Deacon Thomas Tosti, was ordained in 2004 and who serves at St. Mary of the Assumption Parish, Park City; Karla Padilla, whose husband, Deacon Duane Padilla, was ordained in 2017 and who serves at St. Andrew Parish, Riverton; and Maria Devereux, whose husband, Deacon Thomas Devereux, was ordained in 2020 and who serves at St. James the Just Parish, Ogden.
Guarding the Family
Deacon Tom and Nancy TostiWhen a husband first brings up entering the diaconate, a wife's practical instincts kick in first, all three said. When Tom Tosti first broached the subject in the late 1990s, Nancy Tosti worried about their household. 
“I was against it. We had young teenagers at the time, and I thought it was just going to be a strain on our family life,” she said.
Tom Tosti’s entry into the diaconate program stalled when the Most Rev. William K. Weigand, seventh Bishop of Salt Lake, left the diocese in 1994, giving Nancy Tosti time to reconsider. 
“In the time between bishops, my heart changed,” she said. “So when he reentered the program after they reopened the program, I was for it. … In that year also, the kids were like, ‘Well, why not? We do everything in church anyway.’” 
Once the program restarted under the Most Rev. George H. Niederauer, eighth Bishop of Salt Lake, she attended Saturday morning classes alongside her husband for the next five years.
Karla Padilla’s experience started during the couple’s own marriage preparation classes when she was 22. At that time, her soon-to-be husband said he hoped one day to be a deacon. Years later, the couple found inspiration at a New Year's Mass when they saw their former University of Utah professor, Armando Solórzano, serving as a deacon.
"We were so shocked because Armando had been one of our professors," Padilla said. "Duane started talking to him afterwards and that kind of got the ball rolling." 
The Padillas also saw an increasing need they thought they could help address. 
"Within our parish, the Hispanic population is growing as well," Padilla said. "We've just always put our trust in God of like, 'Who are you directing us next?'"
With two children at home, Padilla had some conditions when her husband began the diaconate program. 
“I definitely put some boundaries around everything to protect our family,” she said. “I felt like my job at that time was to really just keep the family intact and as normal as possible while still supporting Duane.” 
She told formation directors upfront that she would miss classes for her children's sports and parties. 
“I did that more too because I didn’t want our kids to resent Duane’s ministry. I didn’t want them to resent church,” she said.
Maria Devereux also looked to her children for feedback when her husband's potential calling became a reality. 
"We talked to our kids and they were very supportive," she said. "We were happy to have their buy-in, and it made all the difference."
Active Partners
Deacon Duane and Karla PadillaDuring formation, program directors treated the wives as equal participants, not passive observers, the women said. “We were active participants,” Tosti said, recalling dedicated breakout sessions for the wives. “For me, I just liked having the extra education. It was great.”
The public nature of ministry definitely brings unique personal challenges, she said. 
“My spirituality isn’t as strong, I would say, as his; it never has been,” Tosti said. “So it kind of goes up and down depending on my moods and things and the world. But I’d say it’s had a positive effect because he’s the constant.”
Karla Padilla has balanced her faith with professional life; she has worked at St. Andrew Catholic School, directed admissions at the Madeleine Choir School,  served as a youth minister and as a Catholic Foundation of Utah trustee. 
She draws strength from her husband's specific gifts: “I feel like his homilies, he’s a really gifted homilist,” she said. “But then also he is really good when it comes to funerals and helping families through that difficult time and really being there for them.”
Maria Devereux also loved the classroom learning of formation and felt completely included, which built a true partnership in service with her husband, she said. 
However, parish life brings boundary challenges from people looking for a direct line to the deacon. 
"That has been tough at times," Devereux said. "I’m clear that parishioners need to speak to him directly. … I can’t be the in between; it’s not my purview."
The busy schedule also reshaped her interior life. 
"I had to learn to pray through the gaps, trust God when schedules were tight, and find my own grounding instead of waiting for the perfect moment," she said.
The Marriage Comes First
Deacon Tom and Maria DevereuxThe Catholic Church teaches that Holy Orders cannot eclipse the Sacrament of Matrimony. In Deacon Tosti’s prayer room hangs a painting from his daughter bearing a simple phrase: “I am third.” “So it’s the marriage, our family, and then the Church,” Nancy Tosti said. “And he has to remember that his things are always third.”
For the Padillas, keeping things aligned meant using a color-coded calendar for family events and church ministries, especially while balancing child care and elder care. 
“We’ve had to really focus on scheduling time out for each other,” Padilla said, noting they intentionally block out date nights.
This balance requires constant effort, Devereux said. “Late nights, parish needs and spiritual demands have taught us to value the time we actually get together," she said. "We’ve learned to make the most of simple things – Netflix when we’re both finally home, early coffee before the day starts, family dinners that keep us connected, and planning an occasional adventure to reset. Ministry hasn’t made life easier, but it’s made us more intentional.”
Advice for Others
All three women wish parishioners understood their boundaries. 
“We can’t be on call 24/7. That’s the priest’s role,” Tosti said. “We are not the 411 for the church."
When asked what advice they would give to wives entering the process with their husbands, Tosti pointed back to their wedding vows. 
“Remember, when you got married that two become one,” she said. “You don’t necessarily have to do the ministry with him, but you can’t put a roadblock up either.”
Devereux emphasizes realistic expectations. 
"His service affects our time, our routines and our availability," she said. "When he steps into ministry, we adjust too – often quietly."
Padilla counsels young families that it is okay to say no, warning against doing too much. 
"I did get burned out because I was lecturing, I was a Eucharistic minister, and then I was working. ... and supporting Duane," she said. "I did have to stop ... and just decided, you know what, right now my ministry is my home and my work and just be in-the-pew kind of thing. And that's OK." 
"Your big ministry is supporting your husband,” she added. “And you have to be really okay not having somebody to sit with you at Mass."
Ultimately, all three women view the diaconate as a tremendous blessing.
"For me, it is a family ministry," Padilla said. "Duane loves to serve. ... It is a humongous blessing."
Tosti agreed. 
“For us, the diaconate has been a blessing,” she said. “There’s been a lot of ups and downs, and it has been the glue that’s held us.”